Why is that happening to me? Why are breakups so hard? Do they mean the end or a new beginning, loneliness or freedom? How to recover from a break-up, how to accept it and move on? How to live a full life with a plenty of prospects instead of surviving with thoughts about your broken heart?
Millions of such “how-tos” and “whys” were when I was lying on the floor of my bedroom and crying so hard that my heart was going to tear apart. 7 years of happy family life blew up.
At that very moment, there, lying on my bedroom’s floor I realized that was the bottom, and it can’t get any worse. Thinking over my bottom position I suddenly felt that the only possible way out is UP. And the burning desire to get out of that cesspit arose inside.
I won’t lie – that way was a crook in the lot, and many pieces of research prove that breakups and getting overs are deeply hurtful, emotionally devastating, and damaging for our mental well-being. But they’re essential, indeed!
Why Are Breakups So Hard?
- According to Arthur Aron’s research, we often intertwine with our partner’s self in close relationships, blending and confusing the traits, memories, and even identities. So, a breakup involves accepting the fact we’re full, we’re not a part of another human being, we don’t lose a part of ourselves letting them go.
- A breakup is a mixture of overwhelming physical and emotional withdrawal from an addiction.
- Getting over implies fighting with paralyzing grief.
- I felt my breakup as a bubble around me: everything I used to love and enjoy, seemed so alien and far away. I saw the world outside of my bubble continuing without me, while I was alone, isolated, so deadened, hopeless, and empty inside my bubble. It took lots of hard efforts to burst this bubble.
- Even the brain of a person grieving the end of a relationship looks like the brain of a person experiencing a death – the research showed.
How to Recover from a Break Up: The Stages
It’s been 5 years since my breakup experience and I have no regrets. I’ve met the man who really cares about me and moved to sunny California, changed my job and got promotion very fast, and now, finally, we’re planning a baby.
Would I have all this unbelievable happiness in my today’s life if I hadn’t passed through the hell life had to store for me 5 years ago? No need to answer, right? I don’t even allow the thoughts like these.
Moreover, besides all the benefits of my divorce I’ve got (yep, now I can say like that about my divorce), I also managed to help two of my close friends who had to face the same hurtful experience in their lives.
Summing up, I noticed that the recovery from a breakup has a similar storyline in different people, and decided that my observations and notes could be very useful for you.
To understand how to accept a breakup and move on, you should realize the stages this emotionally devastating period involves:
1.The Shock Stage
The first reaction to the breakup is the emotional stupor, which shows either as a desire to disappear and hide from the entire world or as an internal explosion. The life may seem unreal, and the time may fasten and slow down.
A person can experience emotional numbness, insensibility, indifference to everything. I even have some gaps in my memories of this period.
How to Detect:
- constant sighs
- lack of appetite
- changing consciousness (surreal feelings, emotional remoteness with other people).
2. The Negation Stage
Comes out as a disbelief in the reality of a breakup, hopes that they’ll change/come back. The person doesn’t negate the fact of a breakup but negates the permanency of this breakup.
How to Detect:
- looking forward to seeing the ex-partner somewhere
- trying to detect their face in the crowd
- waiting for them to come back home
- taking the situation as a nightmare and hoping to wake up.
3. The Aggression Stage
It features resentment, aggression, and hostility to other people and to themselves too.
Being on this stage, my friend desperately blamed herself for the breakup, trying to find evidence she didn’t do enough to save their relationships.
How to Detect:
- panic attacks
- changing food habits
- rapid weight loss or gain
- periods of unreasonable crying
- lack of self-motivation
- rapid mood changes
- fatigue and general weakness
- muscle tremors
- poor concentration
- change of sexual needs
- strong desire to stay alone.
4. The Depression Stage
It is a stage of suffering, disorganization, longing, detachment, that come with the full awareness of the break-up. The best solution to cope with this depression is to get a psychologist’s help. Truth be told, it was one of the best decisions in my lifetime – I’m still together with that psychologist and he always helps me when I don’t cope on my own.
How to Detect:
- strange and frightening thoughts appear
- the feeling of emptiness and senselessness
- fear and anxiety
5. The Acceptance Stage
Finally, the acceptance of the fact you’re distant people and have nothing in common anymore comes. The life gets back on track, you become more active, healthy, your focus moves away from your ex-partner’s life, and yes, you do – you discover that full and happy life without him exists!
How to Accept Breakup and Move On?
“Throw away all the things that remind you of them. Burn the photos. Do what they hated. Buy new bed linen. Start working out. Travel to another country. Get a haircut. Promise yourself to smile at least once a day. Practice yoga…”
I’ve heard lots of advice. But here’s what really worked for me and my close friends:
Friends, relatives, and even strangers – everyone goes. Make sure that there’s someone you can speak with and keep speaking out.
- Take Advantage
Believe it or not, but even a break up has positive sides. Your task is only to identify them. Consider this experience as a challenge, not as a punishment. And any challenge is the possibility to get out of your comfort zone and, eventually, to grow. Open a diary and write down at least three pros of your break-up (yes, they do exist) and then think about how you can use them for own profit.
- Do Sports
CrossFit, jogging, swimming, dancing, tennis, football, boxing – whatever you like. Sport is an awesome antidepressant. Besides distracting from the problem, it also adds a lot of confidence and self-esteem.
Try to spend as much time out as possible. Instead of staying at home, walk in the park, go to the cafe, cinema, or shopping. Even if you’re alone, go for a walk – it’s a great chance to meet new people and forget about your troubles at least for a couple of hours.
It’s a very good idea to escape the place you’ve been spending all your time together with your ex-partner, so even a short trip is a nice solution to distract and unwind.
- Treat Yourself
Praise yourself for every little achievement during your recovery – buy that tasty cake after not thinking about him for several hours, treat yourself with that beautiful dress, drink some wine, visit an art gallery, or sign up for belly dance classes if you want.
Hugs are a cool way to give and receive positive energy through physical contact. Look around: kids, neighbors, friends need your attention, your care, and your hug.
- Sleep, Eat, Repeat
So simple but so important. Despite you don’t want to, try to eat and go to bed as you usually do. Make this trivial daily routine your golden rule. During the first weak food can seem the only reason to get out of bed, but at least one reason is already good.
- Make a Point
Accept your break-up as a given, don’t live in your memories and dreams about their comeback. Live today – right now, let them go, and set yourself free from all those destructive thoughts.
- Set Goals
Revise your plans and goals – now you build your own life without the need to compromise and take the partner’s view into account. You can do whatever you want, so it’s high time to upgrade your to-do list and make your dreams come true.
Written by Amanda Thompson, Editor of https://bestquoteslist.com/.